Where has my creativity gone ?

No, but for real though.

I know I haven't published anything on this blog for more than 5 months but I'm telling you right away : this post is going to be a bit personal and serious this time. You've been warned! :)

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"Where has my creativity gone?" This is a question I've been increasingly asking myself for a few months, to the point that I decided to write about it, and put words on it to free myself from those endless thoughts and questions - even though I do know it won't suddenly put them to a stop. I absolutely love writing and I care a lot about this blog, I've also always loved writing, literally since I gained the ability to do so around age 6 - my first writings were poems about chocolate, caramel and vanilla written on an old cubic Macintosh computer in my sister's room I asked my father to print (he was really happy about it, trust me) -, I wrote tens of novels that still remain unachieved, and I do not want this passion to end. I've also always loved drawing and being crafty in general, whether it's creating manual stuff or making banners and pixel art on my laptop. I have to admit I kind of quit drawing after entering high school (which was 5 years ago), and I really do miss it because I used to spend the longest time creating characters and landscapes, and even picturing myself making a comic book in the future, but also because my father is the one that really encouraged me to be creative and to draw since that's what he does all day long - drawing, painting - and I admire him so much for that. 

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"So? Where is it taking us?" you might be wondering. Well, now that you know I just love creativity in numerous forms, I can start telling you why I've been feeling 'creative-less', literally running out of ideas and things to make in the past 5 months. As I said above, I gave up drawing after entering high school, but still kept on making pixel art on my computer and other infographic-like visuals, and tried to write more and more new novels while handling a few different blogs about lifestyle and my passion for all things Asian pop culture. But then when I started going to uni, I discovered what actually working for something you really ought to is - because you also chose to study that in particular, which makes perfect sense -, and I couldn't find time to continue writing my novels or create things with graphic softwares. Yet I started this blog to still have a space where I can write thoughts I have on my mind, and decided to challenge it up by writing my posts in English only. After a pretty weird year - due to social and relational issues and a lot of work in particular -, I tried to get back at being creative during my very long Summer break : I made pixel art again, published way more posts on this blog than during my semesters at uni and started making Speed Builds on YouTube with The Sims 3.

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AND THEN. Second year started (this current year). I had already decided I wanted to be as creative as I could be (considering I also have to study a lot) during this year. But - hey, they're never really gone -, relational and social issues, stress and enormous amounts of work came back, preventing me from doing anything really productive that I would have wanted to do on my own. I know that being surrounded with negative people that keep complaining and that wallow in pessimism isn't good for your mental health and your creativity, obviously. So I've also decided to learn and try to put things into perspectives, gain confidence and not let negative minds affect me. I'm still a long way to go, but I'm hopeful. Those are important things everyone should do if they don't feel good in their own mind and body, and I'm a firm believer that if you can't physically do something, maybe something is blocking you from doing it mentally, and you can only solve the problem by getting rid of the burden that's weighing on your mind. Then, there's another issue : since I don't feel confident and always stressed and tired, I feel like I can't do all these creative things. Every time I have spare time and think about starting something new, I keep saying to myself "You're not feeling perfectly inclined to do it right now, you're too tired, you won't produce anything great like this" and, worse : "You're not good enough, you can't try something if you know it's gonna be bad and poorly done. It's gonna look awful, you don't have the skills for it anymore". Yup, pretty rude to my own self, I know, and totally absurd. If you don't try doing something, how can you know you're good at it or not ?! Plus, what about improvement if you're really not that good at the first try but enjoy doing this activity ? My greatest fear is that I'm not cut out for these things anymore, that I will be disappointed in myself for not regularly practising my creativity, challenging it and not being able to do it anymore because I let personal problems grab onto me. Soooo yeah. That's basically why I haven't published anything in 5 months - oh my, how many times have I tried to write something before erasing it because I thought it was not good enough or that I didn't have real stuff to say.

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Now you really know everything about why I've been asking myself this question. And know that I'm doing my best to get back in the creativity process to write new posts, draw and create visuals. I'm gonna try to draw again even though I don't feel "fully ready" for it and I'm scared. I'm gonna try to be positivity seeking. I'm gonna try to remember this - and as should you : "You are entirely up to you". You know what, I don't even need to "try", I can just start doing these things right away.

See you soon ♡